My new yet continuing journey

For the past year I have been on the journey to get VSG, vertical sleeve gastrecomy surgery. It has been a very long and complicated road that I meant to journal along the way. I did take notes, and eventually I may write it all out. It has been extremely helpful for me to do research and find other people who have gone through the process, and I would love to be able to provide that to others who are also going on this adventure. However, every insurance and surgeon has different requirements so knowing exactly what to expect is something that has been a big struggle.

I’ve chosen to start writing about it now because tomorrow is a critical appointment for me. A year ago I saw my primary doctor for the referral to the surgeon. Once she approved me to go through the process for bariatric surgery my insurance required me to have three physical therapy appointments, six appointments with a nutritionist, and a psycological evaluation. After completing those steps I was finally able to have a consulation appointment with my surgeon, and get set up to go through her pre-surgery requirements. See why I was saying it’s been a long and complicated road? I can dive deeper into those steps later, it’s tomorrow I need to focus on now.

When I finally got to the consulation with my surgeon, I was very excited to meet her. So excited, I didn’t ask for the very specific breakdown of next steps that I needed. She did agree with me that VSG is the best choice for me, and very thouroughly explained the program. I feel very lucky to be with the surgeon I chose, she has a lot of support for her patients. Part of that is her nutritionist. Even though I already had six appointments with a nutritionist per my insurance requirements, these appointments are to get me very prepared for my pre and post surgery diet.

At my first appointment with the nutritionist I explained to her I’m very anxious about the unknown, and that I need very specific information about what the next steps are. She was great about it, and comisserated with me. As we went through all of the information about the process, she let me know the doctor set a weight loss goal for me of 10 pounds, which was changed to 13 since I’d gained that in the month between those two appointments. I had one month until my next appointment. That appointment is tomorrow.

I am very nervous because I am not sure if I will make that goal weight, and what will happen if I don’t. If I have made that goal, then we will move forward with the presurgery appointment and the surgery itself. Not making the goal likely means another month of waiting. I feel so ready to move on to the next part. I really want to have made that goal and move on to the next step when I get to that office tomorrow afternoon.

What I am mainly beating myself up about currently is that I came out the gate after getting that goal with an extreme level of confidence. I was provided with a guide for what to eat and what I should spend this month doing, and I did that. But, when I get on my scale at home it has been slow to move, if at all. Initially, I was sure I could lose 15 pounds, and crush the goal. Now that the appointment is tomorrow I don’t think I’ve made it and I feel like I’ve failed myself.

Yes, I understand that it’s okay, that my journey doesn’t end at the scale tomorrow afternoon, and I can confidently say I did the best that I could this past month to reach the goal set for me. I can also confidently pick apart all of my choices, and analyse what I should have done better. But, I can’t go back. I can only move forward. Whatever the outcome is tomorrow, I am still one step closer to weight loss surgery, and hopefully a healthier, fitter life. I am definitely anxious, but overall I am so happy with all of the progress that I’ve made so far.

Not a Cheat Day

Today marks the end of week one, and overall I am proud of myself. I am doing my best to push myself whilst also going easy on myself. It’s an interesting balancing act, but I think I am doing a good job walking that tight-rope. I take some time each evening to reflect on the day, and what adjustments I need to make in order to do better the next.

The primary thing I need to work on is expectations; and I don’t mean expectations for weight-loss or fitness results. What I mean is expectations I have set for myself, and constantly reevaluating those expectations. For example, I set a goal to write a blog post every day, and very quickly decided there was no way that was realistic. Instead I decided that I would continue daily with my short, personal journal and only put the effort into a blog post once per week. I also scheduled myself to jump back into the marathon training, albiet at an extremely slow pace. That hasn’t been working out great, and for various reasons along with a couple of excuses I have been unable to walk every day. I will continue to strategize how to get myself on track with the walking plan. Next week I am going to adjust the time of day and see if that helps.

My major victory this week was sticking to my eating plan. I hit my water and food goals every day this week. Part of that plan did include some “cheating,” but as it was part of the plan, can it still be called cheating? I know in order to stick to eating right I need to be able to give myself a break sometimes. On Friday night I made a couple of batches of cookies for a friend’s birthday. Yes, I ate a couple of the cookies. No, I have no regrets at all. I knew I would be baking the cookies, and I knew it was completely unrealisitc to bake said cookies without trying them…call it quality control. I otherwise ate right the entire day, and met my fitness goals. Plus, oatmeal rasin cookies are practically health food.

On Saturday I met up with a couple of friends and we went to Farmstead Restaurant in St. Helena. It was a great experience. They have lots of outdoor seating and outdoor space to hang around in and drink wine while waiting for your table. We got there before our reservation, went to the General Store (cute little building onsite where it looks like they might have done wine tastings in the before-times), purchased a bottle of wine, and found a beautiful spot outside to sit and sip until our table was ready. We were sat at the table a little bit after our reservation time, but with the wine and the lovely weather we didn’t even notice.

Instead of each selecting our own meals, we decided to get a bunch of small plates and one entree so we could share everything. Yes, I could have pretty easily stuck to the keto plan, but I would have missed out on some excellent food. I had also already planned for this meal, and do not feel any of the guilt. More importantly, because I put no pressure on myself to eat with restrictions, I didn’t have a moment of “F it, I will order what I want,” which often leads to me quiting altogether. Because I gave myself a few hours off, I am still on track.

Today I got up and ate an on-plan breakfast. I then went on a long walk, roughly 4 miles. When I got home it was lunchtime and I had a salad. I’m now considering what to make for dinner, which may actually be another salad. I know myself. I know that had I not made the agreement with myself ahead of time for yesterday’s fun lunch, today would have been a guilt-ridden day of no walking and eating junk food.

In conclusion, I am very happy with how this week went. Overall it was a success. I do have things that could have gone better, but I know that is what I need to work on next week.

Day 1 – Done

Today was pretty successful. But, day 1 is typically the easiest. Motivated, prepared, not much to think about. As long as I didn’t forget what I was doing and accidentally eat a box of girl scout cookies there was a very good chance all would go well. I even remembered to take my measurements and day 1 photos. I am not sharing the day 1 photos until I have amazing progress photos to put next to the photos I took this morning.

Although successful, today was not without its minor struggles. I woke up with a headache. I am proud of myself that I didn’t let myself start tomorrow or some other day when I don’t have a headache. I still have the headache actually. Which is probably what is making me reconsider my goal of blogging daily. Plus, I don’t know that I’ll have that much interesting material. I don’t want to bore myself.

Despite the headache, I carried on. After my work day I made myself a pretty delicious dinner and cooked a chicken breast to put on a salad for lunch tomorrow. I’m not one to post recipies, but my very tasty dinner was ground turkey, taco seasoning, frozen veggies, and salsa. Basically, brown the turkey, add the other stuff and cook it until it’s done. I only wished I had remembered to buy romaine lettuce so I could make lettuce wraps or tortilla-less tacos or whatever.

To close the evening, I will finish prepping for tomorrow. This means laying out my clothes to groggily put on at 5am to take my walk, and…well, that’s about it I guess. I am definitely changing my goals so that I blog once a week. Twice tops. See ya next week.

Starting over (yet again)

Like many, many other people out there, I let our current world get to me. At the beginning of the pandemic I managed to get outside to on long walks or slow walk/runs pretty consistently. Alas, I live in Northern California, so sometime around the 100+ degree heat mixed with the entire State catching fire I stopped going outside.

Not to be chock full of excuses, but here’s a bunch of excuses. Once trapped inside I did not work out. I live in a 2nd floor apartment, and having lived in 1st floor apartments I try to not stomp around exercising in my place. There is a gym in this complex, but it has been closed due to the pandemic the entire time I’ve lived here. My regular gym is also closed. By the time the air cleared and the temperatures got more manageable my motivation had disappeared.

On New Year’s Day I attempted to get right back on the horse. I went to a nearby walking trail and got my 10,000 steps in for that day…all at once. The trail I chose had no amenities at all. Nowhere to sit. No bathrooms. Overall it was a very unpleasant experience. For example, at one point I nearly cried; and another point. Okay, probably 4ish times I nearly wept. When I got home I was tired and far sorer than I had anticipated. It hadn’t been that long since I was consistently getting in the 10,000 steps. I had gone much further on that trail several times before and didn’t feel half as exhausted.

Basically, I was being extremely hard on myself. I expected to put down the chicken strips and french fries I’d been living off of since October and just be exactly in the same physical place I was when I shut myself inside my apartment to hide from the smoke, heat, and virus. With two out of three of those things no longer a factor, I thought I could just immediately pick up where I left off. I was wrong.

So, instead of creating a plan to start again I decided the best course of action would be to abandon my goals and do more sitting on the sofa. TV wasn’t going to binge-watch itself. Plus, gyms are still not open, or opened and then closed again, or open for outside use only, but the gym I belong to doesn’t have that option near me. Honestly, I can’t keep track of which fricken level of closure we are so I just assume completely closed (as of right now, I am correct but that might change next week or something? IDK, and frankly I am over keeping track. The covid fatigue is real. Side note: the color system is super weird. Red should mean stop everything, but purple is what shuts it all down?? Is this because Purple is Red + Blue and we are all blue due to being stopped from doing pretty much anything except for going to the grocery store or pharmacy?? Shit, I think I figured it out finally!).

In the midst of all of this chaos, I have been diagnosed with hyperparathyroidism. Basically, one of my parathyroid glands is swollen, which leads to a bunch of other problems. The only thing to do about it is to have it surgically removed. It is an out-patient surgery, and seems fairly straightforward. However, I have never had any type of surgery before, except for wisdom teeth extraction, and I am a little bit completely freaked out. Knowing that I only have control over myself, I figure the best thing I can do to keep myself calm is to get into better shape and lose some weight. Basically to get back on track.

Other than the New Year’s Day Debacle (NYDD), I have mostly only been in the planning stages of getting back on track. I guess I still am, but I have prepped enough that starting tomorrow, I will be back on Keto and back to training for a marathon. To avoid a repeat of the NYDD I have made a commitment to myself to be easy enough on myself to not quit, whilst being hard enough on myself to push me towards my goals. I think this will be a very difficult balance to find.

One of the methods I have decided to use to help me with this is what I am doing right now. I want to keep this blog as a diary of all of my triumphs and failures. I apologize in advance for any whiney posts about being too sore or too hungry, but I know that a lot of the work I need to do is mental. This is a great tool to work on that portion of the journey.

So, welcome, internet strangers, bots, and handful of friends to whom I will be sending a link. Apologies in advance to those friends. I know I will be whining at you personally as well as on this blog. Your support is very much appreciated, and your belief in me keeps me going when I think I can’t do it.