What have I agreed to???

This year is the year I am going to lose 100 pounds. As of my last weigh-in nearly a week ago I am down 22 pounds from January 1st. Not too shabby. Could be better, could be worse. I have recently discovered due to some additional work stress lately that I am definitely a stress eater, which may mean when I get on the scale Monday morning I might see an increase instead of a decrease. But, that’s okay, this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Speaking of marathons, one of my friends and I have been discussing training for an event to complete together. We were at her house hanging out recently drinking martinis and somehow we both decided it would be a great idea to do a marathon together. I feel like I may be giving a false impression that we drunkenly made this decision. We were not drunk, and only today, one week later, did we register for the California International Marathon taking place on December 6th. Like December 6, 2020. As in 267 days from today.

After hitting the submit button on the registration I started to wonder if this was a good idea. See, the thing is, I am not a runner. I never have been. Even when I was a little kid the only times I ran were: 1. if I was being chased in a scary situation (games like tag or soccer were not a big enough threat to make me run; but if someone told me they said “Bloody Mary” too many times and the apparition was chasing us I would run for my life) or 2. The ice cream truck was in a 1/4 mile radius of my location and I heard the song. Usually option 2 was the bigger motivator. I have joked A LOT about needing the sound of the Good Humor truck song in order to motivate me to run.

**My primary source of running motivation**

So now I need to actually put rubber to the road and pretend like I can do things like run. And breathe while running. And run for 26.2 miles in a row. I’m going to be using a run/walk method as I believe that’s the only way I have any hope of still being alive at the end of it all. So, technically I don’t have to run for 26.2 miles in a row but I do have to have forward motion for that distance. That seem ssuuuuuppppeeerrrrr far. But hey. This is the year I lose 100lbs and also complete a marathon. I might be panicing a little. But my positive attitude will get me through.

The race is in Sacramento, which happens to be where I live. This is great for a lot of reasons. However, I am already telling myself that I cannot run home and stop (approximately mile 20), and I can’t go to the office on a Sunday and call an uber from there (approximately mile 22). But, maybe I can have a friend waiting for me at the finish line with a Good Humor Ice Cream. That’ll make it worth the effort.

Acceptance of Revenge Body

I have tried for years and years to lose weight. I have diary entries from when I was a sad, weird 13 year old girl where I designed myself workout programs that I would never actually follow. The desire to be healthy, fit, and thin has always been inside me; the follow through is something I have lacked. The most I have stuck with a program is about 5 months, and I was pretty successful that time. I kept the weight off for many years before it started creeping back on.

The last time I was doing well with a program was my last semester in college. I was following a low carb diet and going to a trainer a couple of times per week. I was also working out on my own on the days I didn’t see the trainer. After graduation I started working at a company that had a beautiful walking trail right outside. Some days I would work out in the morning, and then take a walk on the trail on my breaks. I felt really good back then.

The return to the poor diet and exercise habits happened when I started dating my least favorite ex. I informed him of my low-carb plan and the working out, but the places he would pick to eat and drink didn’t really fit into my plan. Plus, going out at night with a new guy isn’t really conducive to getting up early in the morning to work out. I was/am too much of a people pleaser to insist on things that would help me stick to my plan. The weight I had lost that semester was found again.

After I broke up with him I tried to get back on track. I let other life changes, like moving to a new city, get in my way. Although I tried various things to get the weight off, I couldn’t get that motivation and routine of working out back. Not that I wasn’t working out, I was, and I was dieting. The weight was coming off, but extremely slowly. Slow is fine, but the best way I can describe it is that my heart wasn’t in it. I really didn’t believe in myself that time. Despite the dieting, exercise, and weight loss I knew I was not going to stick with it that go ’round.

After a time I started getting lonely and turned to Tinder to meet people in this new city. There were some big time fails, which is not abnormal; but then I met my most recent ex. Soon after we started dating, and spending all of our free time together, I joined a 6 week workout program offered for free at a gym right near my office. It should have been a red flag, but this caused a bit of an issue in my new relationship.

He had the opportunity to join the program with me, but he declined. The program was two evenings a week. Although my ex supported my decision to join the program before I started and verbally thereafter, he complained about the time I was away from him (yep. giant waving red flag with maybe some lights on it. My only defense is being blinded by a new relationship). He also had some jealousy issues because he had an ex wife that cheated on him with guys she met at the gym (like the brightest lights on the flag with maybe loud alarm sounds.

Fast forward to last September. Having ignored the above flag I had moved in with him. We had a game night with another couple and I said something I shouldn’t have which hurt his feelings, and made him feel like everyone was laughing at him. Not my best moment, but honestly not even close to my worst. This led him to question our relationship.* I had apologized for my actions but he decided he needed to work on himself as he couldn’t get past the incident. He also sited the weight gain he experienced during our relationship and decided that we were not good for each other as I had not stopped him from gaining the weight.**

This act is what has led me to be working on my “revenge body.” I kind of hate that term, but here we are. What has been motivating me this time around is to show that m.f.er that I did not make him gain weight, and had he gone on the journey with me, we could have lost it together. I tried to get him to do the Speed Keto program with me a couple of months before we broke up. We couldn’t stick to it at that time.

Now I am hell-bent on sticking with the program, getting back into an exercise routine, and losing the weight. I fear that as my heart heals from the break up the fire inside me will die down and that will somehow stop me from reaching my goals. For now, any time I feel like I can’t make it I imagine running into my ex after dropping down a couple of sizes and flipping him the bird. Maybe even the double bird. And that bird (or double-bird) is making all the difference.

*I think what also had him “questioning our relationship” was some girl he met at work that he had his eye on. He denies it, but I’m pretty sure they started hanging out before the incident.

**I tried to steer us towards sticking to Keto as that was working for him before we met. I would also ask to go and take walks or go to the gym and least once a weekend (he didn’t decline 100% of the time, probably like 85-90%). Lastly, I would strongly encourage that he go and do something with his son like take a basketball to the hoops across the street from our house. They did that one time. Yeah, I’m the fricken enabler. My bitterness at the accusation that I caused his weight gain is the main fuel for my revenge body fire.

2020 Goals

I set 20 goals for 2020, as is the tradition a friend and I started a few years ago. We don’t necessarily accomplish all of them, but we do our best. Really, if we get a few done we are pretty happy. This year’s list (in no particular order):

10,000 steps per day at least 5 days per week
Gym before work at least 4 days per week & once on the weekend
Renew my passport
Complete at least 1 round of Speed Keto
Lose 100 Lbs.
Learn to paddle board
Complete a duolingo course
No dating
Find one fun activity to do each month
Write 20 minutes per day at least 6 days per week.
Take a class (writing, photography, filmmaking, etc). NOT WORK RELATED
Limit time playing games on my phone. ½ hour per day, every day.
Limit time on social media, 1 hour per day.
Rediscover some of my favorite activities. Try to remember what my favorite activities are.
Join some sort of league (bowling/pool/softball)
Take my vitamins daily
Stay in better touch with my friends
Be in more pictures. One full length selfie per month to document weight loss.
Complete at least 1 30 day fitness challenge per month
Travel somewhere I’ve never been.

I started my first round of Speed Keto on January 1st. Speed Keto is a 31 day plan that combines Keto with Intermettent Fasting. I am currently on day 5 and I wish I had stuck to goal #10 to write for 20 minutes every day. This is my second attempt at starting Speed Keto, and it would have been nice had I better documented my journey last time; when I made it about halfway through.

My confidence is much higher starting this round. Last time I tried to do the program I forced my boyfriend to do it with me. I shouldn’t have pushed it on him. He constantly complained about the plan, and although I had told him he didn’t have to continue with me; he pressed on and we failed together.

A couple of months after our failed attempt, he broke up with me. Ironically, one of the main reasons he gave me was that he gained weight while we were together and therefore he did not think we were good for each other. Yes, that one still burns as I had tried to get us to follow this plan and work-out. The thing I didn’t know how to do was motivate him. I might still be a little angry about this as a reason to dump me. It wasn’t his only reason, and really he did the right thing, but it still burns.

But that’s not why I am here today, although I am sure it will come up again. I wanted to write about how my first 5 days on the program are going. It is actually mostly very positive. My boss has decided to do the program with me, and it always helps to have someone in it with you. Plus, she has gained some weight recently and a little part of me wonders if that is partly my fault. We get along really well and often lunch together. Our lunches are not always light, healthy fare. I also think I might be feeling guilt based on the above mentioned reason my ex broke up with me (wow, that came up again real fast). I know it’s silly, but I’m glad she is doing the program with me not only for the comradery, but also just in case our lunches were a contributor to her weight gain.

The first week of the program has been going well overall. I have followed the plan and haven’t struggled anywhere near as much as I did on my first attempt. Maybe because I know what to expect this time around, maybe because I am in a completely different place in my life. Whatever the reason is, I am so far very happy with Speed Keto. The first week includes a long fast. I am on the last couple of hours of that fast. I am currently debating whether or not to go to the gym before the fast ends. If I do, I know my workout will be lighter than if I wait until I have eaten something. But, I will have gotten my gym goal overwith, and I can manage to get my 10,000 steps in for today. Eh, I think I’m going to go later. I have a slight headache and aunt flo decided to visit. Which if I remember correctly happened during week 1 last time. Man, I really wish I kept notes last time.

So there you have it, lots of goals for the year. I’m working on several. I may not have the writing goal handled yet, but like the others, I am working on it.

Journaling Journey

I have just joined a program in my area called Lean Up. A local gym offers this 8 week program once a year at no charge. I feel so lucky to be chosen to participate for these next 8 weeks.

The program takes a holistic approach. Two days per week we have a group training class. One day we have a “MEE” class, which stands for Motivate, Educate, Eat. The first class was this past Thursday, and although the information was nothing that I haven’t heard before, I found it helpful.

We were given two bits of homework. One is to set up 3 SMART goals for this program, and I assume, beyond. The other is to journal each evening. The instructor was talking about writing down a food journal, even though we are tracking through the myfitnesspal app. But, if I am going to do a written journal, I would rather journal about the experience.

Which brings me here. I think it is a lofty goal to write a blog post every evening for the next 7 weeks (as we are already done with week 1), but I might be able to make a SMART goal to be to journal at least a few days during the week. On the other hand, I do love to write and haven’t been doing enough of it lately, so maybe taking 20 minutes per evening to reflect on the day and make a post isn’t the worst idea in the world.

The wheels are spinning. I might have my first SMART goal in the works. For those of you who do not know why I keep capitalizing the word “SMART” it is an acronym that stands for: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Timely. For example, my goal could be to spend twenty minutes each evening writing for the next 7 weeks about my journey through the Lean Up program.

I want to be successful in this program, and get as much out of it as I can. This will help me to keep focused, and will give me something to look back on when I am done with the program to see my progress. I think this will be a very productive 7 weeks. Hopefully not all posts will be a free-flowing one like this one where I figure out what the heck I’m doing; but if they all are I apologize in advance for the scattered writing. On the other hand, these will be 20 minute free writes, so welcome to my scattered brain.