Tag: Diet

My new yet continuing journey

For the past year I have been on the journey to get VSG, vertical sleeve gastrecomy surgery. It has been a very long and complicated road that I meant to journal along the way. I did take notes, and eventually I may write it all out. It has been extremely helpful for me to do research and find other people who have gone through the process, and I would love to be able to provide that to others who are also going on this adventure. However, every insurance and surgeon has different requirements so knowing exactly what to expect is something that has been a big struggle.

I’ve chosen to start writing about it now because tomorrow is a critical appointment for me. A year ago I saw my primary doctor for the referral to the surgeon. Once she approved me to go through the process for bariatric surgery my insurance required me to have three physical therapy appointments, six appointments with a nutritionist, and a psycological evaluation. After completing those steps I was finally able to have a consulation appointment with my surgeon, and get set up to go through her pre-surgery requirements. See why I was saying it’s been a long and complicated road? I can dive deeper into those steps later, it’s tomorrow I need to focus on now.

When I finally got to the consulation with my surgeon, I was very excited to meet her. So excited, I didn’t ask for the very specific breakdown of next steps that I needed. She did agree with me that VSG is the best choice for me, and very thouroughly explained the program. I feel very lucky to be with the surgeon I chose, she has a lot of support for her patients. Part of that is her nutritionist. Even though I already had six appointments with a nutritionist per my insurance requirements, these appointments are to get me very prepared for my pre and post surgery diet.

At my first appointment with the nutritionist I explained to her I’m very anxious about the unknown, and that I need very specific information about what the next steps are. She was great about it, and comisserated with me. As we went through all of the information about the process, she let me know the doctor set a weight loss goal for me of 10 pounds, which was changed to 13 since I’d gained that in the month between those two appointments. I had one month until my next appointment. That appointment is tomorrow.

I am very nervous because I am not sure if I will make that goal weight, and what will happen if I don’t. If I have made that goal, then we will move forward with the presurgery appointment and the surgery itself. Not making the goal likely means another month of waiting. I feel so ready to move on to the next part. I really want to have made that goal and move on to the next step when I get to that office tomorrow afternoon.

What I am mainly beating myself up about currently is that I came out the gate after getting that goal with an extreme level of confidence. I was provided with a guide for what to eat and what I should spend this month doing, and I did that. But, when I get on my scale at home it has been slow to move, if at all. Initially, I was sure I could lose 15 pounds, and crush the goal. Now that the appointment is tomorrow I don’t think I’ve made it and I feel like I’ve failed myself.

Yes, I understand that it’s okay, that my journey doesn’t end at the scale tomorrow afternoon, and I can confidently say I did the best that I could this past month to reach the goal set for me. I can also confidently pick apart all of my choices, and analyse what I should have done better. But, I can’t go back. I can only move forward. Whatever the outcome is tomorrow, I am still one step closer to weight loss surgery, and hopefully a healthier, fitter life. I am definitely anxious, but overall I am so happy with all of the progress that I’ve made so far.

Not a Cheat Day

Today marks the end of week one, and overall I am proud of myself. I am doing my best to push myself whilst also going easy on myself. It’s an interesting balancing act, but I think I am doing a good job walking that tight-rope. I take some time each evening to reflect on the day, and what adjustments I need to make in order to do better the next.

The primary thing I need to work on is expectations; and I don’t mean expectations for weight-loss or fitness results. What I mean is expectations I have set for myself, and constantly reevaluating those expectations. For example, I set a goal to write a blog post every day, and very quickly decided there was no way that was realistic. Instead I decided that I would continue daily with my short, personal journal and only put the effort into a blog post once per week. I also scheduled myself to jump back into the marathon training, albiet at an extremely slow pace. That hasn’t been working out great, and for various reasons along with a couple of excuses I have been unable to walk every day. I will continue to strategize how to get myself on track with the walking plan. Next week I am going to adjust the time of day and see if that helps.

My major victory this week was sticking to my eating plan. I hit my water and food goals every day this week. Part of that plan did include some “cheating,” but as it was part of the plan, can it still be called cheating? I know in order to stick to eating right I need to be able to give myself a break sometimes. On Friday night I made a couple of batches of cookies for a friend’s birthday. Yes, I ate a couple of the cookies. No, I have no regrets at all. I knew I would be baking the cookies, and I knew it was completely unrealisitc to bake said cookies without trying them…call it quality control. I otherwise ate right the entire day, and met my fitness goals. Plus, oatmeal rasin cookies are practically health food.

On Saturday I met up with a couple of friends and we went to Farmstead Restaurant in St. Helena. It was a great experience. They have lots of outdoor seating and outdoor space to hang around in and drink wine while waiting for your table. We got there before our reservation, went to the General Store (cute little building onsite where it looks like they might have done wine tastings in the before-times), purchased a bottle of wine, and found a beautiful spot outside to sit and sip until our table was ready. We were sat at the table a little bit after our reservation time, but with the wine and the lovely weather we didn’t even notice.

Instead of each selecting our own meals, we decided to get a bunch of small plates and one entree so we could share everything. Yes, I could have pretty easily stuck to the keto plan, but I would have missed out on some excellent food. I had also already planned for this meal, and do not feel any of the guilt. More importantly, because I put no pressure on myself to eat with restrictions, I didn’t have a moment of “F it, I will order what I want,” which often leads to me quiting altogether. Because I gave myself a few hours off, I am still on track.

Today I got up and ate an on-plan breakfast. I then went on a long walk, roughly 4 miles. When I got home it was lunchtime and I had a salad. I’m now considering what to make for dinner, which may actually be another salad. I know myself. I know that had I not made the agreement with myself ahead of time for yesterday’s fun lunch, today would have been a guilt-ridden day of no walking and eating junk food.

In conclusion, I am very happy with how this week went. Overall it was a success. I do have things that could have gone better, but I know that is what I need to work on next week.

Acceptance of Revenge Body

I have tried for years and years to lose weight. I have diary entries from when I was a sad, weird 13 year old girl where I designed myself workout programs that I would never actually follow. The desire to be healthy, fit, and thin has always been inside me; the follow through is something I have lacked. The most I have stuck with a program is about 5 months, and I was pretty successful that time. I kept the weight off for many years before it started creeping back on.

The last time I was doing well with a program was my last semester in college. I was following a low carb diet and going to a trainer a couple of times per week. I was also working out on my own on the days I didn’t see the trainer. After graduation I started working at a company that had a beautiful walking trail right outside. Some days I would work out in the morning, and then take a walk on the trail on my breaks. I felt really good back then.

The return to the poor diet and exercise habits happened when I started dating my least favorite ex. I informed him of my low-carb plan and the working out, but the places he would pick to eat and drink didn’t really fit into my plan. Plus, going out at night with a new guy isn’t really conducive to getting up early in the morning to work out. I was/am too much of a people pleaser to insist on things that would help me stick to my plan. The weight I had lost that semester was found again.

After I broke up with him I tried to get back on track. I let other life changes, like moving to a new city, get in my way. Although I tried various things to get the weight off, I couldn’t get that motivation and routine of working out back. Not that I wasn’t working out, I was, and I was dieting. The weight was coming off, but extremely slowly. Slow is fine, but the best way I can describe it is that my heart wasn’t in it. I really didn’t believe in myself that time. Despite the dieting, exercise, and weight loss I knew I was not going to stick with it that go ’round.

After a time I started getting lonely and turned to Tinder to meet people in this new city. There were some big time fails, which is not abnormal; but then I met my most recent ex. Soon after we started dating, and spending all of our free time together, I joined a 6 week workout program offered for free at a gym right near my office. It should have been a red flag, but this caused a bit of an issue in my new relationship.

He had the opportunity to join the program with me, but he declined. The program was two evenings a week. Although my ex supported my decision to join the program before I started and verbally thereafter, he complained about the time I was away from him (yep. giant waving red flag with maybe some lights on it. My only defense is being blinded by a new relationship). He also had some jealousy issues because he had an ex wife that cheated on him with guys she met at the gym (like the brightest lights on the flag with maybe loud alarm sounds.

Fast forward to last September. Having ignored the above flag I had moved in with him. We had a game night with another couple and I said something I shouldn’t have which hurt his feelings, and made him feel like everyone was laughing at him. Not my best moment, but honestly not even close to my worst. This led him to question our relationship.* I had apologized for my actions but he decided he needed to work on himself as he couldn’t get past the incident. He also sited the weight gain he experienced during our relationship and decided that we were not good for each other as I had not stopped him from gaining the weight.**

This act is what has led me to be working on my “revenge body.” I kind of hate that term, but here we are. What has been motivating me this time around is to show that m.f.er that I did not make him gain weight, and had he gone on the journey with me, we could have lost it together. I tried to get him to do the Speed Keto program with me a couple of months before we broke up. We couldn’t stick to it at that time.

Now I am hell-bent on sticking with the program, getting back into an exercise routine, and losing the weight. I fear that as my heart heals from the break up the fire inside me will die down and that will somehow stop me from reaching my goals. For now, any time I feel like I can’t make it I imagine running into my ex after dropping down a couple of sizes and flipping him the bird. Maybe even the double bird. And that bird (or double-bird) is making all the difference.

*I think what also had him “questioning our relationship” was some girl he met at work that he had his eye on. He denies it, but I’m pretty sure they started hanging out before the incident.

**I tried to steer us towards sticking to Keto as that was working for him before we met. I would also ask to go and take walks or go to the gym and least once a weekend (he didn’t decline 100% of the time, probably like 85-90%). Lastly, I would strongly encourage that he go and do something with his son like take a basketball to the hoops across the street from our house. They did that one time. Yeah, I’m the fricken enabler. My bitterness at the accusation that I caused his weight gain is the main fuel for my revenge body fire.